Fandom: Supernatural. Spoilers for Season 4.
“I invoke, conjure and command you, appear unto me before this circle.”
Dean was thrashing on the bed, unable to escape the memory/nightmare. After all this time, it had come back to him, in living techinicolor, and wouldn’t get the fuck out of his dreams. Pamela’s chanting, the table shaking, and the light, the screaming, the blood…
His eyes popped open and he sat bolt upright on the bed, one clear thought in his head. Before it was even completed, the air crackled and the familiar greeting echoed from the corner of the room.
“Hello, Dean. You seem to be disturbed. I heard your call.”
“Just a bad dream, Cas. Sorry. I’m all right.”
“Would you tell me what it was? Please?”, Castiel asked, the familiar tilt of his head joined by an inquisitive and concerned look that Dean didn’t see often.
“All right. I was thinking about the séance. With Pamela. Before I met you.”
“I can imagine that was disturbing. You must know I never intended to injure the woman. Her power was strong. She was using the séance as a way of calling me to appear, to show her my face. I asked her, I warned her to stop, every way I could, but she drew me to her. You know what happened. My true form cannot be perceived by humans, not without killing or severely injuring them.”
“Well, I didn’t know it then, and neither did she. Her eyes. God, Cas, she was terrified. We were all so frightened. She had no idea what she was getting into, she was just trying to help us. The séance was the only way she knew how.” Dean looked up at Castiel with an expression that seemed to expect a specific reaction. Remorse, Castiel thought, guilt maybe.
“Pamela is dead, Dean. I can no longer do anything to help her, or to change what happened that night.”
“She’s in Heaven, though, right? She must be. There’s no way she could have…”, Dean was unable to finish that train of thought.
“You are correct, Pamela’s soul is indeed in Heaven. You needn’t worry about that.”
“So you could still talk to her, right? You could see her. Find her.”
“And what would be the purpose of that? I cannot see what would be accomplished if I chose that course of action.”
“You could tell her that you’re sorry”, Dean replied, his voice whisper soft and still shaken from the nightmare.
“I did nothing wrong, Dean. I didn’t appear to her by design. She pulled me to her with the seance. Her power allowed her to see what she should never have seen. How can I apologize for that? I don’t understand.”
Dean sighed. “This is one of those things you’ll have to trust me on, Cas. Sometimes even if what happened wasn’t technically your fault, the best thing to do is to say you’re sorry. Even if it’s just that you’re sorry things didn’t go the way they were expected to.”
Once again, Dean suddenly found himself alone.
In Pamela’s Heaven, Castiel had to fight a crowd to get to her. She recognized him immediately and gave him a sultry half-smile. “Let’s get out of this noise a minute. Figure you’ve probably got something to ask, or something to say to come all this way just for me.”
For thousands of years, the angel had observed human behavior. Still, he was incredibly awkward and uncertain when he tried to emulate it. After a minute of contemplation, he imitated what he’d seen, especially between the brothers over which he’d been watching for some time now.
Castiel reached out and took Pamela’s hand, surprised when she didn’t immediately pull away from his touch. He managed to look at her face, unscarred and as beautiful as it had been in life before he’d ruined it.
“Pamela, I came here to say…I came to apologize. For, uh….I did something to you that caused you great pain and it was unintentional. But I have been told that expressing remorse for harming someone is the right thing to do regardless of intention. That is why I am here.”
Shockingly enough, Pamela laughed. A full-out belly laugh that lit up her beautiful eyes and she took Castiel’s other hand in hers. “Dean fucking Winchester. That boy’s got a way of getting to folks. Even angels, looks like. You didn’t come here all on you own, Castiel. Look at you, shuffling your feet and looking down at the floor like you have no idea how this is supposed to go.”
And she was right. Cas was incredibly unsure of himself. He went because Dean asked him to go. He didn’t feel he owed this woman an apology, but he had harmed her, that much was true. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so uncomfortable in his vessel as he did right now, trying to stammer out some feeling that he couldn’t even pin down well enough to identify.
“You listen to me, Castiel. I set up that séance. I did it for those boys, just like there’s probably nothing in the world you wouldn’t do for them. You tried to scare me off. You told me to stop. I was proud. Too proud to listen. So there you have it. I should have listened to you. And you should have, you know, maybe tried to find a way to not burn my freaking eyeballs out.”
It’s entirely possible that Cas’ face flushed bright red.
“Pamela, I am not sure what else to say. You have described the situation eloquently.”
“How ‘bout if we just call it even, all right?”
Castiel was confused, which, at least, was a familiar feeling. “Call it even?”
“You fucked up, I fucked up. You came here to apologize, right? So, I accept your apology. You never meant to hurt me. I hold no grudge against you. And look at me now. In Heaven. Heaven!!! This place is amazing.”
At that, Cas managed a small smile. “Indeed it is. Thank you, Pamela. I think it’s best if I go now.”
“Get on back to Dean. He still needs you, nevermind his bluster and his tantrums. Go on, angel. Everything’s all right. I promise. And I’d never tell a lie to an angel”, she finished, that sly grin back on her face.
“Goodbye, Pamela, and thank you again.”
Castiel gave some thought to how he would relay this encounter to Dean. Maybe he’d try to make it sound like he was a bit more confident and less awkward. Who knew if Dean would believe him, though.